LETTER TO MY EX -by @sirkastiq

Letters To My Ex – Letter #5: “Good Riddance”

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LETTERS TO MY EX

LETTER #5: Good Riddance

by

@Sirkastiq

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OMG!...JUST FOUND THIS!!! GUY IS REALLY VEXED MEHN, POOR HALIMA, AND OH SO CURIOUS AISHA!

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From: SirkayBaba <SKLikeSkelewu@gmail.com>

Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2013 10:01

To: Halima<Halimatu88@gmail.com>

Subject: DO NOT REPLY THIS MAIL!!!

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The only reason I’m exerting the energy on my fingers by tapping this keyboard is because I can’t be arsed to reply your messages on any of my devices for the simple reason that I DO NOT WANT A CONVERSATION!!!
Darling, in the natural world, when a message goes un-replied, it is expected that the ignored party understands that they are not worth the hassle of a response. Do you know the amount of brain cells and energy that goes into engaging in conversation? How can you not see that you aren’t worth that? Oh wait! You’re not one to see things so well, are you? I mean you were short sighted enough to walk out on what we had for some flimsy reason?
SCREW YOU!
I can’t for the life of me even begin to understand what really went wrong. Now it’s not like I care anymore, I’ve just had time by myself to reflect and stroll down memory lane searching for the clues to this senseless riddle, for the piece that pulls the puzzle together, for the final straw that caused the poor camel’s back to break.  Guess what I found? Oh don’t bother your minute pigeon brain, I’ll tell you. I found NOTHING. I mean, you never complained about the knacks when it was sweeting you o! All those “oohs, aahs, harder harder, you go kill me o!” Were they jokes? Were they rehearsed lines from the porn movies we watched together before we hit the sheets? My God, I swear there was a time I knew you were sounding like Jada Fire but I attributed it to the fact that she’s my favorite and maybe you were role playing.
And then after two years, you just walked out.
Just like that.
No warning.
No excuses.
Nothing.
What’s painful is not that you left sef, you know what, I’ll list it out for you:

1. You took nine of my T-shirts. So you were just using style to stock up your wardrobe with my shirts knowing fully well that the end was nigh. I don’t even know why I let you wear them out of my crib. Of course it was always my fault as you “didn’t plan to sleep over” Nine shirts o, NINE!! I’m not even going to front; abeg DHL my shirts back to me, or use style and drop it with Iya Aziza, the woman that sells food near the house.
2. You told me this love would last forever and because of that I went to tattoo your stupid name down the left side of my chest (where they said the stupid rib was taken from) now, not only do I not have a rib, I’m inked with a reminder of you.  I’ve had to tell the women I’ve been with (yes, I’ve been with womeeeeeen) that it’s just my mum’s name. I must say, that earns me some points sha but that’s not the point.
3. You told me we needed to split because you weren’t ready for marriage and I was pestering you to settle. You said it didn’t make sense to hang on to something going nowhere seeing as you weren’t going to be ready for another five years, but you told Aisha that my dick game was lame. No, let me quote you even. “Like inserting a toddlers pinky finger into a grown woman’s vajayjay.”

Let’s even address this.  How did ‘not ready for marriage’ turn into a problem with my schlong? What manner of differentiation did you perform? I would ask why you were discussing me with Aisha but we know that one’s aproko is deeper than the eyes can see. So I learned from her that the real reason you left was because I wasn’t hitting it right.  HAAAYYYY MY GOD!! I don’t know why you never considered that maybe, just maybe your vagina is the size of freedom tunnel; I mean I’m not the first to have driven through there. You just conveniently put the blame on poor ol’ long John. Why didn’t you have the balls to tell me? Oh Oh! I can just hear your reply ”Because you wouldn’t have the balls to take it.” You’re a standard bastard.
Two years of doggy, missionary, scissors, reverse cowgirl, girl on top, hanging from the burglary, wheelbarrow, lifting weights and all those exotic styles and you now say my dick is small? My dear, they are really worrying you from your village. You never once complained o! It was you who would mount me very early in the morning, it was you who would obey the great philosopher Sir Little Wayne and lick, lick, lick, lick me like a lollipop but alas! Two years later, you discovered ALL OF A SUDDEN that Wande Coal and I have more than complexion in common. Again, you’re a standardized, fully-audited, ISO-certified bastardess.
Anyway, I’m not sending this mail to just insult you. Not at all. I’m just tired of the whatsapp messages asking that we talk, I’m tired of the mails. I’ve now added your mail address to my spam list. Sadly, I won’t change my number because of you so yeah, I’m actually thankful that you walked out of my life as I can now see that if you hadn’t, I won’t have the clarity to see the beautiful things that lie ahead of me. Some people come into your life and leave so that you’ll know what type of person to NOT date ever again.
I should actually thank you for leaving. Yes, that’s really what this mail is about. Thank you Halima for leaving me. Thank you for the tears I cried for 2 weeks straight; achieving fitfam status has never been easier. Thank you for in the state of despair, I discovered great music from Lenny Kravitz, Taylor Swift, Asa, Ryan Leslie and my homeboy Drake. It won’t have been possible without you…and oh yeah, thank you for the eventual practical session I had with the very curious Aisha; oh, she hasn’t told you abi? Well, that’s probably because my big d*ck is still stuck in her mouth right now.

Just thought to drop this image here, seems so appropriate!...LOL..except this time, a dude should have been the driver.

OMG!...JUST FOUND THIS!!! GUY IS REALLY VEXED MEHN, POOR HALIMA, AND OH SO CURIOUS AISHA!